2012 an' all that jazz

My friend Cheryl says we’re in the midst of a great shift in consciousness. I said "Honey, I been tryin to shift my consciousness for years an it aint budgin". Apparently it’s all got somethin to do with 2012. What the hells that all about?? Cheryl said we’re gonna ascend. I said "Honey, I live in a trailer park! What the hell do I need an elevator for?" Cheryl’s a good kid but she don’t think things through. Know waddimean?

This is the way I see it: If somethin’s gonna happen in 2012 only nobody knows what it is… well, we might as well jus’ carry on as if nothin’s gonna happen, right? I mean, if the world’s gonna end, waddaya gonna do? Wear a crash helmet? Hide in the cellar?

If we’re gonna ascend, well, jus’ how we gonna do that exactly? Anybody know? Is this somethin’ spiritual or are we gonna get sucked up some cosmic vacuum hose? Only I wanna know ‘cos I jus’ aint good with heights. I’m OK with cramped spaces but heights make me all… anyway, I’m getting off subject here.

If we’re talking ‘bout something spiritual, well, what’s altitude got to do with it? Why does everybody assume we’re goin up insead o’ sideways? I mean, spiritual’s spiritual, right. Don’t make no diff’rence if we go up, down, sideways or diagonal. Know waddimean?

Who came up with this 2012 thing anyhow? I heard it was some broad called Maya. Anybody know where she hangs out? Only I wanna word with her. I don’ think she’s givin us all the facts. Lotta details left out. Know waddimean?

Sure beats me how everybody got to hear ‘bout all this stuff. I watch the news an I aint heard nothin. Cheryl says it’s to do with crop circles. She says they’re made by aliens from the fifth dimension an they’re messages telling us we’re all gonna ascend in 2012. Well, I seen these crop circles and I aint seen nothin that says that.

I mean, if these aliens are so smart, why don’ they leave messages we can all understand, right? I mean, I aint smart (though you prob’ly figured that out already) but, if I wanted to leave a message like that, I’d jus’ write in big capitals: “FOUR MORE YEARS THEN WE’RE OUTA HERE! DON’ FORGET TO CANCEL THE MILK!” Nobody would be in any doubt ‘bout that, would they?

Now, I aint sayin it aint aliens. I don’ know. But it could just be people with an eye for exterior design. I mean, let’s face it, I wouldn’t mind wunna them on my lawn… if I had a lawn, that is. It could be jus’ art. I guess it could be aliens an they’re writin in alien language but I aint so sure. Cheryl says I’m closed minded.

As soon as I get hold o’ this Maya gal, I’m gonna ask her what the hell she thinks she’s playin at, getting folks all fired up like this. I mean, jus’ supposing… now I don’ wanna bust nobody’s balloon but jus’ supposing 2012 comes an goes an nothin happens? This Maya gal’s gonna get her ass sued off.

We’re all gonna look like real jerks. Know waddimean? We’re all gonna be stood there with crash helmets an padded out with pillows jus’ lookin’ ‘round an the birds are singin like nothin was gonna happen anyway. Guys in the White House gonna crawl out from under their desks. G.Is in Iraq gonna look up over their sandbags at the Iraqis lookin over their sandbags an’ we’re all gonna feel real stupid.

Then we’ll realise how silly it all is an we’re gonna laugh like we never laughed before. Maybe then, somebody gonna look around at everybody laughin an say “Hey! I wonder if this is ascension?”