Creepin' doubts

I jus’ read the Pope can’t pray on account o’ his wrist bein’ in plaster. I woulda thought the Pope, of all people, woulda had a more direct contact method than the ol’ hands-together routine. I aint sure that method is all that reliable anyhow.

I been droppin’ off the odd prayer now an’ then since I left St. Barbarell-of-the-Lash justa keep in touch, ya know waddimean? Zilch. Nada. Not even an autoresponder.

I thought at first he jus’ wasn’t returnin’ my calls on account o’ me fallin’ by the wayside an’ all but I’m beginnin’ to wonder if that ol’ divinity technology aint got a few bugs in the system. Maybe it’s time The Boss got an’ upgrade. In my last prayer, I suggested he start a blog, but, like I said, He aint returnin’ my calls.

Jus’ lately though, I been havin’ some worryin’ thoughts. Started out innocent enough. I was paintin’ my toenails an’ it occurred to me that, if we was created perfect, how come we need all this maintenance? Why did’n He jus’ give us red toenails, huh? Maintenance-free.

Anyhoo… this led on to other thoughts an’ I started to question it all. Now, Mother Superior always tol’ me that doubt is a sin an’ we all know that, for a merciful God, he can be one helluva sonofabitch when he’s riled.

But I been sinnin’ all my life an’ he aint done nothin’ to me. He had his own clerk whipped for sittin’ down in his presence (see my piece on Metatron). Me? I been lyin’ an’ drinkin’ an whorin’ an’ cussin’ an’ he aint even called me into his office to bawl me out.

Maybe he’s losin’ his edge. He’s been at it for a long time now so I guess he’s gotta reach burn-out eventually but I don’ know. I been thinkin’… maybe there aint nobody home. Know waddimean?

I know this guy, Leroy. Leroy’s an atheist fundamentalist, y’know? He don’ even believe in Darwin. He gotta nice house, nice car, goes to Hawaii for his vacations an’ spends his whole life having a great time. Things jus’ don’ add up.

I been thinkin’ o’ becomin’ a lapsed Catholic… actually, come t’think of it, I am a lapsed Catholic. I guess the whorin’ coulda been the final straw in that. But I been thinkin’ maybe I should lean toward somethin’’ a little more liberal. Y’know, like an agnostic.

I could probably fit the whorin’ round bein’ a devout agnostic without too many conflicts o’ interest. I figured maybe I could make up for the whorin’ by bein’ a evangelist agnostic.

Well, I went all through Yellow Pages. Couldn’t find a Church o’ th’ Agnostics anywhere. I wondered ‘bout startin’ one cause there sure is a gap in th’ market. Problem is, I can’t find an agnostic minister neither. Dunno if my background o’ bein’ a novice at St. Barbarella-of-the-lash would qualify me. I doubt if I’d get much of a reference an’ besides, the whorin’ could be a problem with this.

I figured the best I could do is jus’ take to th’ streets (which I’m more’n qualified to do) an’ spread th’ word o’ agnosticism. Got me some magazine printed up (I called it “The Wha……?”) an’ went knockin’ on doors.

First guy opens his door, he says “Yeah?”

I says “Hi, pal. Got some good news for ya…. But, then again, maybe it aint good news an’ maybe yo’ don’ give a shit. I dunno. You decide”

He says “Wha……?”

I says “Sure pal” an’ slaps a copy in his hand.

I sho’ didn’t expect getting’ converts t’be be that easy!

I dunno how many folks I converted to agnosticism but the whorin’ sho’ has stepped up a notch.

Gotta go now an’ get some pamphlets printed up.